I don’t want to….

Today is Saturday and I don’t want to…

 

I don’t want to cook the breakfast or get dressed or respond to incessant demands for cheese and crackers and mango juice.

If I was on my own I wouldn’t eat anything but fruit and toast all day

 

I don’t want to listen to the din of cartoons on TV that I’ve seen a thousand times

Tom and Jerry, you can kiss my ass…….

 

I don’t want to have a puddle jumping walk to the shop or bake yet more cakes or try to engage the kids in a craft project which will take them 10 minutes to get bored with a another 40 to clean up….

 

I don’t want to do three loads of washing and 5 loads of dishes and wander round the house wondering just how long it will be before I get round to cleaning the shower screen.

 

I don’t want to hear screams and yells and crying mixed up with ‘that’s miiiiine’, ‘he hit meeee’ and ‘muuuuuuum’.  I don’t want to hear myself shout things that I’ll regret 5 seconds later.

 

I just want to sit in peace and contemplation.

 

I don’t want to answer a million confounding questions or repeat my own a dozen times before stamping a foot on the ground just to make myself heard.

 

I don’t want to feel like my mind is desperately searching for an answer that doesn’t exist.  Just how do you entertain a 6 year old girl and a two year old boy together?  I don’t want to care.

 

I don’t want to have to press down my own mood and force myself to remember how important it is to spend ‘quality time’ with the children.  I don’t want to wonder what the definition of ‘quality time’ actually is.

 

I don’t want to have to feel guilty about everything else I don’t want to do.

 

I just want to write my book.  That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I offer them love and they push me.  I try to teach them and they resist me.  I try to meet their needs and they make it clear that I always fall slightly short of the mark. I don’t want to feel inadequate.

 

But most of all, even after all of that, I don’t want to go to bed without gazing for a while upon their slumbering faces.  I don’t ever want to miss the opportunity to feel their plump little cheeks under my lips as I kiss them.  I don’t want to think that there could ever be a time when I wouldn’t be there if they would need me.  I don’t want to contemplate a life in which I wouldn’t get to see them grow and blossom, achieve and succeed….

 

I don’t want to have this conflict

 

I don’t want to publish this post, but i will because I do want other parents to know…You’re not the only one…

 

xx

 

 

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