I don’t want to….

Today is Saturday and I don’t want to…

 

I don’t want to cook the breakfast or get dressed or respond to incessant demands for cheese and crackers and mango juice.

If I was on my own I wouldn’t eat anything but fruit and toast all day

 

I don’t want to listen to the din of cartoons on TV that I’ve seen a thousand times

Tom and Jerry, you can kiss my ass…….

 

I don’t want to have a puddle jumping walk to the shop or bake yet more cakes or try to engage the kids in a craft project which will take them 10 minutes to get bored with a another 40 to clean up….

 

I don’t want to do three loads of washing and 5 loads of dishes and wander round the house wondering just how long it will be before I get round to cleaning the shower screen.

 

I don’t want to hear screams and yells and crying mixed up with ‘that’s miiiiine’, ‘he hit meeee’ and ‘muuuuuuum’.  I don’t want to hear myself shout things that I’ll regret 5 seconds later.

 

I just want to sit in peace and contemplation.

 

I don’t want to answer a million confounding questions or repeat my own a dozen times before stamping a foot on the ground just to make myself heard.

 

I don’t want to feel like my mind is desperately searching for an answer that doesn’t exist.  Just how do you entertain a 6 year old girl and a two year old boy together?  I don’t want to care.

 

I don’t want to have to press down my own mood and force myself to remember how important it is to spend ‘quality time’ with the children.  I don’t want to wonder what the definition of ‘quality time’ actually is.

 

I don’t want to have to feel guilty about everything else I don’t want to do.

 

I just want to write my book.  That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I offer them love and they push me.  I try to teach them and they resist me.  I try to meet their needs and they make it clear that I always fall slightly short of the mark. I don’t want to feel inadequate.

 

But most of all, even after all of that, I don’t want to go to bed without gazing for a while upon their slumbering faces.  I don’t ever want to miss the opportunity to feel their plump little cheeks under my lips as I kiss them.  I don’t want to think that there could ever be a time when I wouldn’t be there if they would need me.  I don’t want to contemplate a life in which I wouldn’t get to see them grow and blossom, achieve and succeed….

 

I don’t want to have this conflict

 

I don’t want to publish this post, but i will because I do want other parents to know…You’re not the only one…

 

xx

 

 

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The weekly writing challenge. Gonzo writing…..

Gonzo writing. It’s a thing – honest! I didn’t make it up. Check out this post http://wordpress.com/read/post/id/489937/66545/.

Did you do it?  If not then  I’d better explain that I thought I’d kick my blog off by signing up for the weekly challenges that these guys put on (thanks for that guys :-)).

I’ve been sitting around for a few days now, fiddling about with the look of this site and creating a portfolio to try and avoid the thought that I wasn’t really sure exactly what I want to use my blog for.  Is there such a specific thing as bloggers block??…..

Anyway this challenge came up in the reader and it seemed as good a place as any to start.  Check back for updates too though because I think where I might be going with this is towards a diary of the daily frustrations of trying to make freelance writing work, work, as a lone mother of two young children. I have no family of my own around (you may get your violins out now) and I’m living on benefits (you may put your violins away again), so with a bit of luck it’ll make for  interestinging read for at least a few of you.

So,  on with the challenge……

This week I took my 2 year old son swimming and he did a poo while we were in the pool (he’s still in nappies).  The following is a sneaky peek into that particular delightful situation. Just to set context, we’d been in the pool 10 minutes when….

 

 

As i stood, chest deep in the too cool water of the empty pool, my small son; who had yet to enter the water after declaring out 30 seconds after we got in, put his hands flat on the floor and his face towards the water spilling over the edge of the pool into the guttering.  ‘He’s going to drink it’ I thought and quickly growled out ‘Luuuuuke’ in my best and most seriously warning tone.  As my child raised his head, hands still down, to look at me, his face went beetroot.  He managed to croak out ‘poooo’ in a little strangulated voice as he struggled to liberate 2 days of, well, you know…..

I stole a quick look at the life guard.  I don’t know why I bothered.  It wasn’t as if he had anything else to watch. My son straightened up and without a backward glance toddled off on a little stroll around the pool perimeter.  I followed him, tugging myself through the water using the pool edge, and wondering whether, from that distance, the lifeguard would have heard my son’s confession and noticed the unusual change in his skin colour.I stole another glance. The guy seemed fairly uninterested in us.  I bet myself that I could get away with another ten minutes of pool time before having to do the infinitely more stressful getting changed part (I mean seriously, if you dress yourself first, your child freezes. But if you dress your child first you invariable wind up making them soggy before leaving. What’s the trick??!)

That was when I noticed the lump sitting, right there, clear as day, like a small horn growing out of my child’s rear end. Bloody marvellous. Just then Luke decided he wanted in after all.  Of course he would wouldn’t he. It wouldn’t be life with a toddler had he not bent down and pointed his poo horn directly at the face of the , previously bored, life guard.  Of course, the rest was inevitable.

‘Errrrr, excuse me, you can’t take him in there like that!’

‘Like what?’ I pretend to look confused and feign checking of Luke’s armbands as a cover.  The lifeguard  nods towards my sons shorts, scrunching up his nose in a gesture of disgust as he does so.

‘He’s pooed’

‘Oh has he!  I’m so sorry I don’t know how I didn’t notice that!  Oi you, you little stinker. Stay there while mummy climbs out’

Obviously, Luke runs off giggling. I run after him shouting ‘Don’t run!’ and then, for good measure, ‘Walk Lukey!’

The lifeguard stares after us and begins to chortle as the brown stain gradually appearing on my sons shorts spreads suddenly in every direction as I scoop him up.

‘Good luck wi’ that one luv’ he shouts after me. ‘Id rather you than me’…….

Introducing DD Expressions

Hello lovely random people who happen to have stumbled across my new blog.  I’m just learning here so if you have any tips for me about how to improve my content, they would be gratefully accepted 🙂

My name is Rachel Bridgeford and I’m a new kid on the writer’s block. DD Expressions is my freelance writing business.  Of course, it’s yet to do any actual business but, then,  it is only a baby.  I’ve created this blog to help it to grow up.

DD Expressions  main project at the minute is the creation of a series of children’s books known as ‘Tales From Youtopia’.  Youtopia is a place I have created as a way of helping children to find a way to deal with challenges in life (and not at all because I like to escape into strange and magical worlds on a regular basis).  You know, important ones like parental separation, bullying, bereavement etc.  All the stories will be written for specific children initially, mostly friends I imagine but will hopefully, eventually be sold (with personal details changed of course)

Anyway as my first post I wanted to share with you, the first of these stories. ‘Luna’ was written for my own daughter. I gave it to her as a Christmas gift along with the stuffed toy on which I’d based the story and a little note book for sharing secrets with her new friend.

Luna present luna book of secrets

I currently have plans for two further stories as well as continuing work on my first adult novel.  I reckon that’ll be more than enough work for 2014 with only 3 days a week in which I can actually get any work done…..

Anyway, school run’s a callin’ so have to dash for today…. I hope you enjoy Luna. I certainly enjoyed writing it 🙂

Be excellent to each other

x

Rachel

Luna final